I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
