she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
