fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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