Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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