dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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