THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
