You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
