I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
