I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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