We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
