I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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