Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
