my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
