I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
my poor anus
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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