great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
