an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
