and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
