if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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