I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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