Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
