Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
