hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
