Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
