I think I died a long time ago.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
