a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
MIDGETS
????
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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