I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
