A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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