oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I want to fling myself into the sun
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
