the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
