Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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