You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
