It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
