my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
