i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize