the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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