i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
