Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
