please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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