I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
