He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
