the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
