somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
