I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
