I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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