too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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