He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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