Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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