hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
