Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
