i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
