im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
