For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
