And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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