I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
