it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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