What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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