why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
